Ten Simple Rules For Dating My Daughter

I found the source of this document online but have customized it to my tastes. It will be framed and hanging in my foyer. Enjoy.

Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up. I have a front door. Knock and state your purpose. Furthermore, you should not be getting phone calls in my house. Turn your cell phone off before you come in the door.

Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. If you really want to date my daughter, you will first overcome the mental challenge of figuring out how to pull your pants up like a man and put on a belt. Additionally, while I am pleased at your choice to wear underwear I had better not see it in any way. Anything less is unacceptable.

Rule Four: I'm sure you've been told that nowadays, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind will kill you. Let me elaborate: when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five: In order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this unless asked. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early". When addressing me or my wife I expect to hear the words “sir” and “ma’am” accordingly and often.

Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. Once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date her ONLY until she is finished with you. When together I expect you to open doors for her, carry her books, and in general treat her like a lady. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating.

Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better. I think you get the point.

Rule Nine: Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. Looks however can be deceiving and when it comes to issues relating to my daughter I am the all-knowing, merciless god of YOUR universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have ONE chance to tell me the truth. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten: Be afraid. Be very afraid. However also relax. Because if you act like a responsible gentleman, follow my rules and conduct yourself like an upstanding member of society then all will go well. But in the end, one “ah shit” will erase twenty “atta-boys”.